Privacy Policy

(Or: How Much of Your Sad Little Life We Actually Keep – Turns out, not much)

Last updated: whenever Owen remembered to press save.

1. Who the hell are we?

We’re the daft bastards who write books about beans, caravans, and council tax. We’re not Google. We’re barely even a proper company. Think of us as a bloke in a shed with a keyboard and too many opinions.

2. What do we collect?

• Your email if you sign up to hear more of Owen’s nonsense (we’ll send you roughly one email every time the moon’s full and he’s run out of beans).
• Whatever your browser coughs up: IP address, what pages you looked at, whether you arrived from Facebook or typed “how to empty caravan toilet without crying” into Google.
• Cookies (see the biscuit rant on the pop-up). They’re not the chocolate Hobnob kind, sadly.

3. What do we do with it?

• Stop the website collapsing like a caravan awning in a gale.
• Remember you’ve already bought the book so we don’t keep flogging you the same one.
• Occasionally send you an email saying “new book out, stop eating cold beans for dinner you animal”.
• That’s literally it. We’re too busy arguing about tyre pressures to sell your data.

4. Do we sell your info?

Mate, if someone offered us £50 for your browsing history we’d tell them to piss off and use the money to buy actual biscuits.

5. Third-party weirdos

We use:

• Stripe/PayPal – they take your money so we don’t have to touch your card details with a ten-foot caravan stabiliser.
• Mailchimp or similar – to send the emails. They’re GDPR-compliant and everything, whatever that means.
• Google Analytics – because we like seeing that someone in Barnsley spent 14 minutes reading the cassette-toilet chapter at 3 a.m.

6. How long do we keep your stuff?

Until you unsubscribe, the server explodes, or the heat death of the universe – whichever comes first.

7. Your rights (because Europe says we have to say this)

You can:

• Ask to see what we’ve got (it’ll be three lines and a sad face emoji).
• Ask us to delete it (done in ten seconds, no questions asked).
• Tell us to stop emailing (click unsubscribe or just block us – we’ll cry but we’ll get over it).

8. Security

Your data is stored on a server that’s probably more secure than Owen’s shed, which is guarded only by a half-blind terrier and a “Beware of the Bean Fumes” sign.

9. Changes to this policy

If we ever change it we’ll stick a big banner on the site saying “Oi, we changed the boring privacy thing, click here if you give a toss”. If you keep using the site after that, we’ll assume you’re fine with it or you can’t be arsed to read it again.

10. Contact

Email: owen@owencroft.com Subject line: “Stop sending me pictures of Derek’s perfect pitch” or whatever your complaint is.

Now sod off and buy a book or something. We’ve got tyre pressures to check.

Cheers, Owen & the two mates who pretend to help run this circus