Cookie Policy

(Or: Yes, We Use Those Little Bastard Tracking Biscuits – Here’s the Full Tedious Truth)

Last updated: Same day, Owen remembered to update the Privacy Policy, probably after his third cuppa.

1. What the hell is a cookie?
A tiny text file that your browser stores so the website doesn’t have the memory of a goldfish with dementia. Not spyware, not a virus, and definitely not edible.

2. The actual cookies we use (no messing about)

• Strictly necessary cookies
  These keep the site running and remember what’s in your cart, whether you’re logged in, and stop everything falling over. You can’t turn them off unless you want the website to throw a tantrum.
• Analytics cookies (Google Analytics – _ga, _gid, _gat and whatever other boring codes)
  They tell us how many people visit, which pages they look at, how long someone stared at the cassette-toilet guide, and whether you came from Google or typed something deeply disturbing into a search engine.
  Duration: a couple of seconds up to 2 years.
• Functional cookies
  Mainly just remember that you’ve already told the cookie banner to sod off so it doesn’t keep popping up like an annoying Jehovah’s Witness.
  Duration: usually 1 year.
• Advertising / targeting cookies
  None. Zero. Zilch. We don’t do them. We’re too busy arguing about tyre pressures to run proper adverts.

3. Other sneaky stuff that isn’t technically a cookie

• Mailchimp puts a pixel in emails so we can see if you opened it or immediately deleted it (rude). 
• Stripe and PayPal drop their own tracking when you pay – shock – give us money. Their cookies, their rules.

4. Want to tell them all to piss off?
Easy: 

• Click the little cookie icon (bottom-left, looks vaguely biscuit-shaped) and flip whatever switches you like. 
• Or just nuke everything in your browser settings. We won’t take it personally.

5. Changes
If we ever add new cookies, we’ll update this page. You’ll probably only notice when something stops working, and you blame us anyway . 6. Questions or complaints?
Email owen@owencroft.com with the subject line “Cookies are the devil” or whatever floats your boat. Now stop reading legal rubbish and go buy a book or check your tyre pressures. One of those is more important than the other. Cheers,
Owen & the imaginary staff